Saturday, April 29, 2006


Things They Don't Tell You In The Books:
1. The "fun stuff" only lasts for a nanosecond. The rest is pure blood, sweat, and tears. and more tears. throw in some notes sent home from the teacher, meetings w/principals and counselors, hitting, scratching, punching, throwing sand, pushing, wrestling, and poking fingers in faces, a few margaritas, and yes, a few more tears.
2. The minute you turn your back to talk on the phone, post a blog, go to the bathroom, BLINK, etc. the kids will do any and all stunts that are normally forbidden when a parent is in immediate smacking vicinity.
3. Kids are really manipulating, coniving, sneaky little creatures sent to test your patience, your ninja skills, and your ability to not cave under pressure.
4. All kids are bi-polar, or have multiple personalities. One minute they are saying, "Mom, I love you so much. You're the best mom in the world!" Then if you show the slightest bit of softening, they go in for the kill. (mine are even in their teens yet!)
5. Wal-mart turns kids into freaks. This is not a joke. My kids, I must say, are pretty well behaved in public. The mall, a restaurant, parks, whatever, they know how to behave, they don't throw temper tantrums, they are quite civilized, I am quite proud of them. Nevermind that I have finely honed my skill of threatening them w/any and all kinds of humiliation, torture,and I'm certainly not above with holding candy for a week.(more for me!) The second we step into Wal-mart, they become these giggling, irritating, unable to properly steer a cart, twirling in the middle of the aisle, touching everything, Freaks! No amount of the "evil eye" or pinching, or crying (usually on my part), ever seems to work. Wal-mart is pure *&%^%...I will have to save that for another post.
6. Kids are gross! They poop. They throw-up. They develop weird coughs and rashes/warts and habits. They pick their nose and pee in their beds. They find the weirdest things and immediately think that mom should be the first person to see it. They like to watch t.v. shows with animals ripping other animals apart or bugs being buggy and creepy. They get stinky and sticky and you're never really sure from where! The kids, not the bugs.
7.Kids will challenge you and everything you say or do. They can make you feel guilty, awful, mortified and embarassed, all at once.
8. Kids can make you want to pull all of your toenails out and pour salt in the wounds or stick your hand in a running garbage disposal while knawing off your other arm!
The books also don't tell you that once you have kids you can never imagine your life without them, because really, what would you cry about? It's extremely hard to raise children and sometimes it feels like your invisible, and your brain is mush, and you will never have a coherent thought again. Then the pipe under the sink starts gushing water, and the kids stand there and watch everything get ruined and they have no idea where a towel might be, and maybe if I pull things out one by one in slow motion my mom will stop screaming like a banshee then I can go back to washing dishes in cold, dirty water, and wow. That makes it all worthwhile.


UFA said...

Yup...Wal-mart! Last night that place turned me into a little kid as We stumbled upon the coolest oversized, soft foam, whirley-bird, frisbee-looking thingee. The lengthy & newly-widened ailes beckoned... Hey, Rittenauer! Go DEEP! ...yeah, if it did that to me, you know it could jack up a young'un like he was on crack.

Rittenauer said...

I agree! We did play it safe though...we at least checked the aisles for oncoming traffic!

Beckster said...

I think I will wait a little longer to have kids;)